Random (September 1997)

I guess
I’m way beyond the pain
because these feelings
are beyond me or too far in front
way too far ahead
to catch up with and feel.

My head shoots
emotion out
before my hands can touch
the dimensions of their geometricality
too many sides
to keep track of anyway, i suppose.

but why then do i need
this pain from you?
this trembling
these pangs
these “i want to be with you”s.

I take them
because mine have all run off
or someone else has them
and i haven’t got a clue
about how to make more.

The capacity is there
for you
somewhere, lost or taken
I have nothing to fill it
no extensions of myself
to fit it into
and I can’t place
my raw self into it.

These tears and gasps
are too overcooked, too soggy
and maybe I am too hard
and these words too rehearsed.

This has turned into a trick
or trade
of hands and words
words? words, letters,
put together like songs
with intonations in the right places
to make them sound like love.